This could be flirting, a secret or close online contact, or seeking validation from someone outside of the relationship. It can also be about hiding such contacts from your partner.
Micro-infidelity often involves behaviors that are not physical infidelity per se, but that nonetheless violate the emotional or relational exclusivity of a relationship, says psychologist David Waskuri.
– Often it is subtle and easy to rationalize as something “innocent,” but is still experienced as a transgression, he says.
Micro-infidelity often creates a sense of betrayal in the person who discovers it in their partner. This is partly because the actions often take place in secret and are associated with a form of emotional dishonesty, says the psychologist.
– Digital contact can be completely harmless in everyday life, but when it becomes secret, charged or takes up emotional space that would otherwise be part of the relationship, the meaning changes, says David Waskuri.
Where is the limit of infidelity? – and between micro-infidelity and infidelity – is not entirely obvious, says the psychologist.
– The limit depends on what the couple themselves have defined as infidelity, he says and continues:
– For some the limit is physical contact, for others emotional intimacy or secrecy. In general, one can be said to be approaching or have crossed the line of infidelity when behavior includes secrets, emotional involvement, sexual or romantic accusations, or favoritism toward another person over one’s partner, even when nothing physical has happened.
Micro-infidelity can still severely impact the relationship and damage trust, says David Waskuri.
– Those who are exposed may begin to question both the relationship and their own sufficiency. It often leads to insecurity, mistrust and emotional distance.
How do you deal with it? That as a partner when you discover micro-infidelity? The most important thing, according to the psychologist, is not to just focus on the question of guilt, but to talk about what the behavior means.
– What did that awaken in you? What was missing that caused this to happen? How do we define future borders? These are central questions. Open communication, acceptance of responsibility and clear agreements are crucial. In some cases, talking to a therapist can be helpful in rebuilding trust, he says.
Micro-infidelity is often more of a symptom than a fundamental problem, says David Waskuri. He says it can be due to anything from a lack of validation to the fact that the relationship has become more functional than emotional.
– It can be a lack of closeness, tension or autonomy. Sometimes it reflects individual patterns, such as a need for validation or difficulty with boundaries, rather than something that is “missing” in the relationship itself, he says.
Facts.Advice on micro-infidelity
Talk about boundaries
Discuss together what you perceive as infidelity and what your boundaries are – both digitally and in real life.
Think about your needs
Consider why you seek validation or closeness outside of the relationship. What is missing and can it be solved together?
Take responsibility for your actions
If you find yourself hiding something or investing feelings outside of the relationship, dare to be honest with yourself and your partner.
Seek help if needed
If trust is damaged or you find it difficult to talk about the topic, do not hesitate to seek the help of a therapist.
Source: Psychologist David Waskuri, lay psychologist.
Read more:
When infidelity is discovered – here’s the advice every couple needs
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